The case against drinking bleach 🤪

The President been gaslighting America since before he took office, or, as he might put it: he has been “pranking” us.

America is an oligarchy organized by the hierarchy of the white supremacist patriarchy. Pancake Brain is a (free) Friday newsletter dedicated to replacing the status quo with equitable public power, and a community dedicated to building the discipline of democracy that equity requires. We move through the world committed to a daily practice of activism and critical thinking. We reject limitations and embrace the possibilities of social imagination, certain that the queer future is better than anything we’ve yet dreamed up. We insist on our right and duty to the political conversation, and empower others to join us. Out of love for ourselves and the collective, we are engaged in a sustainable practice of freedom, endlessly un-fucking our brains.

This project is based on How to Start a Revolution, which I hope you will read (or listen to), if you can.

Dearest Pancake Brains, 

I’m writing to you early again this week, because I couldn’t wait to make my formal presidential endorsement, which is to say: Please don’t drink bleach (2020). 

During last Thursday’s press briefing an acting undersecretary for science at the Department of Homeland Security named William N. Bryan delivered a presentation that included the effect of bleach on the coronavirus. “I see the disinfectant that knocks it out in a minute, one minute,” Trump said, “And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning? Because you see it gets in the lungs and does a tremendous number on the lungs. So it would be interesting to check that.” 

Those were the President’s exact words, but Trump’s latest press secretary Kayleigh McEnany claimed that his statement was misrepresented. “Leave it to the media to irresponsibly take President Trump out of context and run with negative headlines,” she wrote in a statement. 

McEnany did not address the makers of Clorox and Lysol, which felt compelled to beg Americans to please not put their products in your mouth. The U.S. Surgeon General also issued a warning. “A reminder to all Americans- PLEASE always talk to your health provider first before administering any treatment/ medication to yourself or a loved one,” tweeted the official account. “Your safety is paramount, and doctors and nurses [have] have years of training to recommend what’s safe and effective.” I feel confident in saying that “don’t drink bleach” would have been shorter. 

Lauren Duca @laurenduca

“Don’t drink bleach” would have been shorter

U.S. Surgeon General @Surgeon_General

A reminder to all Americans- PLEASE always talk to your health provider first before administering any treatment/ medication to yourself or a loved one. Your safety is paramount, and doctors and nurses are have years of training to recommend what’s safe and effective.

In case it wasn’t already clear that McEnany’s version of Thursday’s events was a blatant lie from a clown demon who should be considered an enemy of truth, Trump directly contradicted her, claiming that his statement about injecting disinfectant was a joke. “I was asking a question sarcastically to reporters just like you just to see what would happen,” he said on Friday.

You heard that right, folks. We are in the middle of a global pandemic, and the man claiming to be our leader is allegedly talking about injecting disinfectant as a prank.

The crux of my mission is to fighting for equity and sustainability by making the case for optimism. I am a firm believer in the power of social imagination. As we fight to survive our presiding worst-case scenario, we must routinely click into the hope that powers hard work, actively summoning a future that is brighter than our reigning paradigms. Right now, I guess that means praying for Ashton Kutcher to pop out and tell us we’ve been Punk’d. 

Typically, I would be annoyed by the assertion that being hot makes it acceptable to do pranks, but, I would only be grateful if Ashton jumped out from behind the White House lectern and informed us that this entire presidency was brought to you by the people who simulated an earthquake in a parking garage to screw with Drake. Truly, that would be less absurd than our current reality. 

The President been gaslighting America since before he took office, or, as he might put it: he has been “pranking” us. It ought to be painfully obvious to anyone who has been paying attention that Trump is the single most dangerous idiot in modern American history. What made Thursday’s disinformation session unique is that the usual white nationalist half-wits and villains had to admit this shit is ridiculous. 

Indeed, even the clown demon collective known as “Fox & Friends” was able to summon the moral courage to tell their audiences not to drink bleach. Host Steve Doocy held up his hands and said that injecting disinfectant is “poisonous,” Fox Business anchor Stuart Varney urged viewers, “Please don’t try this at home,” and Fox News White House correspondent John Roberts negated the President’s assertion that he was just kidding. “I was watching very closely,” said Roberts, who was present at Thursday’s briefing, “At no time did I seem to think that the president was sarcastically asking the question.” 

Of course, the variously racist and moronic Trump sycophants should have balked at his words many times before. I thought his campaign was finally over when the Access Hollywood tapes revealed Trump bragging about being a sexual predator. His assertion that there were “very fine people on both sides” the of white supremacist rally in Charlottesville ought to have lost the allegiance of all but literal Nazis. It’s cliché to say the list of Trump’s disqualifying statements is longer than a CVS receipt, but I suppose it makes sense that the thing that finally corroded his shamelessness would be another toxin.

The president’s ability to perpetrate endless incompetence and corruption has routinely been likened to teflon, because it seems as if nothing sticks to him, but the metaphor extends further than that. Teflon, like Trump, was created by accident, then spread through the force of greed, ultimately poisoning millions. Is it possible we are finally finding consensus around the harm he has caused? Sure, nothing sticks to teflon, but what happens when you drench it in bleach?

In response to Thursday’s briefing, the presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden admonished our national bully, tweeting: “I can’t believe I have to say this, but please don’t drink bleach.” This is perhaps his most convincing case for the presidency.

Joe Biden @JoeBiden

I can’t believe I have to say this, but please don’t drink bleach.

On Tuesday, November 3, 2020, America will likely be faced with a general election  between Biden and Trump, a ballot which has summoned that haunting phrase, “the lesser of two evils.” Since the beginning of the primary campaign, I have been transparently obsessed with Elizabeth Warren, arguing early in the race that America deserves better than Biden. I stand by that opinion, but also feel compelled to add that an old, white man promising and a return to the status quo can’t reasonably be compared to a white supremacist authoritarian who is either too stupid or too evil to assemble cohesive guidelines for navigating the coronavirus.

If Biden ends up being the Democratic nominee, I hope he will embrace progress as he shapes his platform, but at the very least, I am convinced he would be competent enough to empower the public with basic safety information. The soul of our nation is at stake, but even the health of even those too foolish or selfish to reject Trump’s doctrine is at risk now. I dream of the day when this country aspires to the goal of equitable public power hosted on a sustainable Earth, but until then, perhaps we can find national unity in the decision to eat a stale cracker instead of drinking bleach.

With earnest irreverence,

Lauren

Update: I sent this newsletter at 12:33 pm today, and the New York magazine piece corroborating the Tara Reade accusations was published at 3:23 pm. That article should be required reading, and while hoping for a miraculous shot at a better nominee, I stand by the takeaway of this essay: America deserves better than Biden, and also he can't be reasonably compared to a white supremacist authoritarian who openly brags about being a sexual predator.